Tag Archives: choices

BIG APPLE

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All I had to do was take Saleha to New York. Not to Africa. And not to Haiti, where I recently saw firsthand what abject poverty looks like. It was in New York, where she learned that she can help poor and hungry people. It is a big leap for a privileged first-world teenager, who was in New York to celebrate her birthday by eating good food, shopping and sightseeing. A teenager–like thousands of others who walk on this planet in a bubble with their heads bowed to their personal electronic devices.

It started that first night with a full belly when she decided to give her leftovers to the first homeless person she saw. Twenty steps later, a very grateful woman took it, her sign declared she had three hungry children. As we walked away, Saleha declared…

…I feel bad.

Well, do you have money?

Yes.

Why don’t you buy her a meal?

Saleha’s offer was graciously turned down repeatedly. Dejected, she walked away.

One day, several conversations, many meals, and a few leftover packs of food later, I asked what we should do on our last day in New York.

I want to spend my money to buy food and give it to the homeless. And I want to find that woman.

My heart ached and soared. An antidote to the weekend of loud screaming lights, wafts of cloying perfume, hours of shopping, and the constant sightings of posters with half naked bodies promising many things. And a soothing healing balm to my own personal wounds inflicted by the teenage verbal and emotional rocks she sometimes throws at me.

After a gluttonous Sunday brunch, armed with bags of sandwiches, off we went to Central Park to find hungry homeless people.

Food

Some were easy, some were not. And we never found that woman.

This is complicated.

It sometimes is, my love.

 

When we got home, she churned ideas with a friend and they are off to pretty solid start on easy ways for people to donate money to Dimes for Dining. With the cash, they are going to make food, and I will drive them to personally feed hungry people on the street. And maybe it won’t be so complicated for right now.

So it was the big city in America that did it. Not a faraway small city with mountains and rivers of trash. It was in New York that she connected with the hungry and homeless who were surrounded by wealth and obscene overindulgence.

For her, and for now, I guess charity does start at home.

ROCKS.

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It’s impossible to prepare for parenthood. Yes you can anticipate the sleepless nights, the constant vigilance on kids as they grow, making sure they are safe, healthy and happy. Easy stuff. But who can honestly anticipate the acute heart break that eventually settles in your soul as these babies turn into little adults, and learn how to navigate the world. It’s the stuff that was written in small print when you bring these wonderful creatures into the world. And you can’t walk away from it.

I give life lessons and love willingly. I also have to be strong enough to receive the mental and verbal rocks that get thrown at me, and have to be resilient enough to either avoid them, or if I’m hit, stand back up and continue giving life lessons and love.

When those rocks come hurtling at me out of nowhere, I have to dig into the recesses of my parenting brain and execute defensive maneuvers. This could include verbal tactics to help illuminate and broaden the small, self-absorbed world of a teen. If the claws come out and further attack ensues, I implement a containment plan: Punishment.  And because their world is so fucking small, their life resumes rather quickly. The rocks get put away, claws retracted. I on the other hand, nurse my wounds for days. My whole body permanently tattooed with more invisible battle scars.

Rinse and repeat.

There’s nothing clinical about this job. It comes with strong emotional and physical bonds. It’s not for the faint of heart. We don’t have armor to be emotionally safe from the havoc of a growing child. The love we feel for these creatures is all consuming. Yesterday I had a fleeting moment of wondering what it would be like to be child-free. Or at the minimum to be free of the anguish, pain and heartache once reserved for the comparatively flighty world of dating.

I need to invest in some serious padding, because I am committed to this job forever. I also need to invest in some self-control because after all, as the husband reminds me, these creatures we love so much are not in control of their emotions. Which makes it all the more important that we stay in control of ours.

And I do so love these creatures.

Overflow.

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I’ve deliberately avoided putting my fingers to the keyboard for months. Any and all threateningly powerful emotions have been very neatly put away in a box. I’m experiencing an overflow. And they are all demanding attention. Kabanga. Newtown. Boston.

Boston. Running has taken me on a journey I never knew I could or would want to take. Running allows me to be free from whatever I choose. I meditate when I run. Running taught me about pain and the meaning of being strong. Racing is when I get to be with thousands who share my joy and my pain. It’s a time to celebrate our collective journey. It is a time to contemplate and enjoy where we are, how we got there, and hopefully where we will be going next. I can’t imagine running this weekend’s race or any other race without thinking about Boston. I can’t imagine what my journey will be like this year when I run in my first marathon in October. I’ve lost something—like dropping a glove in the throng of runners at the start line. I can’t retrieve it.

Newtown. When children are killed, they become my own. And those other children who witnessed the massacre? They were mine too. For a long time I was a grieving parent mourning the loss of my child. I was a parent shielding my child from the scarring images that forever will burn in her head. Saleha said to me the night of Newtown, “Mama, please don’t imagine you were a parent of one of those kids.” I told her I couldn’t help it. She said she couldn’t help it either.

Kabanga. When I arrived, it was so different, yet so… familiar. It took me a few days to realize that I felt like I was home. The landscape, the small kampung-like houses, and the people’s wonderful hospitality and generosity. But every day at the school I was with children with bleak futures. We all did as much as we could, realizing that each evening when we left the children to go back to our safe and clean house, many would sleep in rooms filled with stench from an overflowing sewer. And wake up to armed guards, not hugs from moms and dads… But each day, we did give hugs and love. As much as we could. But. How dare we complained about a missing toilet seat in our bathroom. How dare we complained about that smell that permeated everything we wore. How dare we complained about not having anything to do. How dare we complained about ANYTHING.

Sometimes, there just aren’t answers to the sadness. Okay. Back in the box. For now.

A phone call

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It was too long to txt.

That’s what my daughter Saleha said after she got a phone call from her friend Evelyn as we walked in the door from a school concert. Evelyn called to tell Saleha that her grandmother died. Some things, I guess, are just too long, or too complicated to txt. Or maybe the 😦 emoticon wasn’t enough. Or maybe Evelyn needed to hear a voice—Saleha’s voice. I will never know. But what I do know is she called. And Evelyn gave me hope.

 I’m sorry Evelyn

It will be okay

I’m so sorry your grandmother died Evelyn

I knew of Sharon’s death earlier that morning from Evelyn’s parents, good friends of ours. So I knew what Evelyn’s call was about. I listened to the conversation, saw the look on Saleha’s face, encouraged her to go on, gave her the thumbs up with each time she offered Evelyn comfort.  

I didn’t know what to say

But she did. For the first time ever, Saleha had to console a grieving friend. Grandma Sharon lived with Eveyln’s family for more than a year while receiving cancer treatments. The whole family entered that world of living with illness and possible death—a place we’re all familiar with, but often not from first-hand experience.

Saleha’s cell phone rarely leaves her side. At 7pm each night she has to put it away–along with any other electronics. No emails, no more Google chats, etc. That’s the rule. I’ve been trying to show Saleha that it’s important to know how to communicate by talking, and not just from that safe txt-ing place.

Well, last night, Evelyn showed Saleha that sometimes friends need to hear a voice. And I hope Saleha learned that sometimes, friends just need to know she’s there to listen. So many lessons with one short phone call.

Sharon, I will listen to Elton John all day today…

My Choice

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I didn’t know it then, but when I arrived in Tanzania a few weeks ago, I made a choice. Had I known how that choice would affect me upon my return, there are moments when I think I would have chosen differently.

I chose to immerse myself completely into the experience. I willingly opened my heart and mind to everyone I met and invited them in. I chose to get down on my knees so I could be closer to the children. I chose to play and get dirty with them. I held their hands and I picked up the little ones. I gave hugs when it was welcomed and tried to make them smile and laugh. I showed them pictures of themselves on my camera. I learned a few Swahili words which were never enough to really express how I felt. But enough to assure them that I would be back the next day. I fell in love with the people that spend their lives teaching and caring for these children every day. By comparison, my six days seem so insignificant. Each day, I laughed for the small successes and connections made with children who have huge challenges. Children who are deaf, blind, have albinism, and those who were abandoned. And each day, I cried.

The back way

More normal

Each day I made small routine changes to cushion the impact of my choice. I avoided using the compound’s main entrance. Instead I used the back entrance, which connected the compound to the children’s school. It was the longer way, and I walked under a canopy of trees. Going the back way made the compound feel less like a concentration camp and more… normal. I stopped going into or any where near the girls’ dorms. I could not bear to accept that every day, these girls live with an intense stench of full sewage tanks. After being swarmed and rushed by many kids who begged for more gifts, I avoided being alone with them. How on earth would I express, “Yes, I know it’s not fair.” I hid behind my video camera.  I didn’t say goodbye.

Closed, for now.

My heart and mind are closed for now. I seek shelter from the hurricane of emotions that may carry me away. My vocabulary is paralyzed and I’m unable to share the experience with others. Not without feeling a hollow and deeply painful ache in my chest. My fellow volunteers understand. For now, I am somewhat silent about my trip. I hope that soon I will find the way out. Because these children and countless others need help. Please visit www.asante-mariamu.org to learn how you can help too.

My choice

You Decide

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Last weekend Scot and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary at this small restaurant that delivered intimacy on a rainy night with lots of delicious promise in a cozy dining room. That night, thousands of yummy flavors and textures exploded in my mouth and my mind, lingering there still, many days later.

At some point, I lost count how many little dishes came out for the antipasti and primi. Eight? Nine? And the wine, oh the wine. All pre-selected and paired perfectly for us. Did I mention flavor explosions? My toes were twitching, it was so good.

The experience was perfect because I didn’t have to decide on anything. I didn’t have to choose. I just had to decide if I wanted fish, quail or pork for my secondi (easy!). I felt so free. Little tasty surprises showed up at our table every 10-15 minutes. Someone decided that morning what I was going to eat. I was so happy I wanted to giggle all night long.

While I was trying (and failing) to make this delicious morsel last forever — this melt-in-your mouth gorgeous ivory white soft cheese that sat in a perfect cradle of olive oil — I said to Scot:

I can’t wait for the day I can just cook or eat what I want, and not have to plan, decide, choose what is good and healthy for the family.

With growing kids, my cooking brain thinks in three parts: healthy protein, good carbs, lots of vegetables/fruit. Making the best choices possible can be a burden. Because sometimes, all I want to eat is a bowl of cereal. Or make that super spicy fish curry, or that delicious eggplant lamb dish I haven’t made in ages because the kids wouldn’t go for it. So I try to choose well. EVERY DAY. Not just with food, but with life. Choices and decisions. The best ones possible. So tiring sometimes.

So back to this dinner – freedom from decisions and choices was so nice.

The next morning, Scot and I ran in a 10 mile race with 4 other friends. And since I’m a control freak about race days, I laid out our race day logistics days before. The guys gave me lots of good-natured grief at the 5:30am call and my control-freak tendencies — some have never raced with me before. Those who have know better.

Heading home after a great morning of racing and a big post-race breakfast, the guys at the back of the van commented that I was not giving proper directions on the best route home. See what can happen when you make the decision to decide and choose?

So I sat back and let it go.

“Antelmo knows exactly where to go.”

“But wait. Antelmo, turn here so you can drop Pete off first….”

Someone bring me another helping of that yummy octopus and whatever else is on the menu…